Trying… and trying… and trying…

This post may be a bit too personal but, hey it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive since June and I’ve been off birth control for  a year now.  Now when I say trying, it’s as often as we can, since a lot of the time he has been… well… under water.  I’ve been told by countless people to try not to stress/worry about it because it can deter getting pregnant, and I try not to, but that’s like telling someone, “Don’t think about elephants.” and what is the first thing you think of?  ELEPHANTS!!!  I can’t help but worry is something wrong.

The one fear I have is not being able to have my own children.  I’m not afraid of spiders, heights, flying, snakes, water, anything any normal person might have a fear of.  Hell, I’m not even afraid of death.

And I know… there is always adoption.  And if it comes to that I’d be happy to adopt.  I just want a child that looks like me and my husband.  I want a little boy who has his eyes and smile, my laugh and crooked nose.  I want to be able to experience the kicking and nudging of my own little one during pregnancy.

Recently I found out that several wives attached to our command are pregnant.  I’m not mad at them… how could I be?  But I am mad.  Again, not at them.  Just in general.  I can’t help it.

All of them are young.  I’m not saying, I’m old, because I’m not.  But I am going to be 29 next month and it is harder the older you get to conceive…  I just hope it happens.  I know when it does, it will mean so much more to us, because we have been trying… but every time dear ol’ Aunt Flow arrives, I get so frustrated…  I don’t know what else to say…  I’m just hoping.

For now, I’ll just try not to stress, as much as I can.  And wait for hubs to get home so we can continue trying… and trying…. and trying…

 

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